My teenager won't talk to me.

By Jake Gainey, M.S., parent coach and adolescent specialist

Every question gets a one-word answer, the bedroom door stays closed, and dinner feels like you're eating next to a stranger. I work with teenagers every single day, and what they tell me in session is completely different from what parents think is going on at home, so here's what's going on underneath and what you can do about it tonight.

What's going on underneath

Your teenager's nervous system is constantly scanning the environment and asking one question, what's the safest way for me to react right now. When talking to you has turned into a lecture, a consequence, or a conversation about what they did wrong, their brain learns that staying quiet costs less than being honest, and so they go quiet. A 16 year old commented on one of my videos and said they stopped talking to their parents because every time they tried, it turned into what they did wrong, so they just stopped trying.

And then there's school. School requires them to be functioning at FULL capacity for seven hours straight, and by the time they get home there's nothing left for a conversation. Home is the safest place they have, and if they didn't care about the relationship with you, they wouldn't come home and fall apart in front of you at all. Shutdown is protection.

What to do tonight

1. Stop asking questions for a few days. Questions feel like an interrogation to a brain that's already flooded, so just be there instead. Sit next to them, drive them somewhere, eat dinner together. The car is one of the best places for this because you're shoulder to shoulder and nobody has to make eye contact.
2. Lower the bar on the question. When you do ask, ask something small and easy to answer, like what song they've had on repeat this week, and you'll get more of an answer than "how was your day" ever got you.
3. Enter their world without your agenda. Spend 20 minutes on what they love, the game, the music, their friends, and ask about that and nothing else. When the connection is there, the talking comes back on its own.

What to say

If it's been days and you can feel the distance growing, say these three sentences and then stop talking.

These let your kid know the relationship is still safe and your love doesn't depend on them performing connection when they're not ready.

What to stop doing

Don't follow them to their room or keep talking through the door. Their brain is already overloaded, and more input pushes them to escalate so you'll stop, which is where the screaming and the door slamming come from. Give them the space, then come back in an hour with zero agenda and say, hey, I'm here whenever you're ready. That's it.

Questions parents ask me

How long it takes for them to start talking again

It depends on how long the distance has been there, but once the pressure comes off, a lot of parents start seeing small openings within a couple of weeks. Expect it to come back, crash again, and come back, because that's just how we function as humans, so track what's different and not what still feels the same.

When it's more than a phase

If your kid has also stopped eating or sleeping, pulled away from their friends, or talks about hurting themselves, talk to their doctor or a therapist right away. Coaching works alongside that and never instead of it.

When they talk to everyone except you

Your kid is practicing being their own person with people where less is on the line. They're already talking, just not to you yet, and the way back in is lowering the pressure so being honest with you stops feeling so expensive.